Enquiries 4 ;

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Dear Terry – thank you for your email. Of course I remember your early 80’s sitcom ‘Oops, Missus’ and its highly amusing racial stereotypes – pure comedy gold, I’m sure. I understand that you have now signed a deal with ITV 7+1 for a compilation repeat series, and in anticipation of the resulting royalties are looking to invest in property in our part of France.

As you say, given that most of your contemporaries are now dead, in rehab or serving at her majesty’s pleasure, there’s little left to tie you to the UK – especially with today’s variety circuit having a somewhat ‘frosty’ view of your routine. I note your comments as to their appreciation of ‘genuine talent’, but am probably not best qualified to judge. Anyway, turning to your specific property requirements, I gather that your somewhat unusual brief includes (ideally); a stucco fronted 7 bedroom villa with extensive external security lighting, his & hers (& hers, & hers) garaging, front door with oversize comedy breast bell push, gold plated Jacuzzi, astroturfed lawns and close proximity to a bar and golf course – where you hope to play a round or two with friends (their police bail permitting).

It has to be said that finding such a property may prove a little tricky, but I’m aware that your new Ukrainian bride, Svetlana, (thank you for the photo – yes, I’m sure the implants were hugely expensive) is somewhat single minded, and this has been her dream since a childhood spent on the barren steppe. She may also find our lack of tanning salons and personal trainers something of a disappointment, so, as suggested, we’ll ensure there’s sufficient vodka in the office fridge to keep her happy.

Look forward to meeting you both

с искренним уважением